Linwood Barclay

So... I'm not particularly political but for those of you who may be concerned... yes, I did vote; last week at the early poll. Here's a little treat from one of my favourite columnists, Linwood Barclay, for your reading pleasure. (Thanks Mom)

Watch DVDs, eat ice cream as clock ticks down
Jan. 23, 2006. 01:00 AM
LINWOOD BARCLAY

There are only a few hours left, so you should figure out how to spend them.
It's actually worse than that famous movie On The Beach, the one based on the Nevil Shute novel, where some people in Australia are going about the last of their lives, waiting for the radioactive clouds from a nuclear war in the northern hemisphere to reach them. At least they had a few months.

We're down to hours.

The results of our federal election seem to be a foregone conclusion. And if what the Liberals have been telling us for weeks is true, and if the guy that everyone says is going to win does, the world will end tomorrow.

I can't decide whether to get a haircut.

I've been thinking I need a haircut and I'd definitely look better with a bit of a trim, but if the world is going to end tomorrow, how important is it, really, that I look my best? I'm already wondering whether it was a mistake to shave this morning. How much time did I waste doing that, when I could have been doing something more meaningful with the minutes I have left?

Like watching all the DVDs I own but have not gotten around to seeing. For Christmas, I received the first season of the early 1950s, black and white, Superman series starring George Reeves. The show ran for years in syndication and I watched it all the time as a little kid.

Suppose I devote the rest of today to watching the set and I get to the fifth disc and am watching part one of "Superman and the Mole Men," and the world ends before I get to part two?

"Honey, the world's ending now! You want to turn off the TV?"

"Just five more minutes!"

I don't even want to think about having to watch it on fast- forward. It would ruin the experience.

Maybe it's always been your personal goal to read all the works of Shakespeare. Well, that's laudable, no doubt about it, but it may be a tad ambitious. There are, like, at least half a dozen plays and it could take several days, maybe even a week, to get through them, because they are written with all sorts of weird expressions that nobody uses any more. Consider setting your sights a little lower. The latest People magazine, for example.

Something I suppose I should mention is getting together with your loved ones, spending these last few hours with those near and dear to you. The only problem might be that they're at the store loading up on Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. You have to figure this is a night where people are not going to be eating their vegetables.

Everything has an upside, of course. If you had a root canal booked for later in the week, or dinner at the in-laws, or maybe Revenue Canada was expecting you to show up for a meeting on Thursday and told you to bring your shoebox full of receipts, the end of the world doesn't seem like that unpleasant a prospect.

It's not exactly clear how the world will end. The Liberals haven't said whether it will be a flood or locusts or a meteor. Will things end with a bang, or a whimper? But these are mere details. When it's over it's over. Maybe the answer is in the second half of the Gomery report, but that's not due till February, so I guess we'll never know.

What I do know is, when I go to bed tonight, I'm not setting the alarm. What's the point?

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read the paper today. I'm not sure I would have.

It's been swell.